Thought I knew how bad it was...

Thought I had a good overview of what it did to me, but lately it is becoming more clear - What addiction really means.

Been reading  "Internet addiction" by Christian Montag. Very scientific peace of literature but it speaks to me. I recognize myself way too often and I truly meet the criteria of an addict.

I have lied to my partner, family and friends countless of times. It is difficult to admit it. It cost me me university degree(s), relationships, opportunities, possibilities....  a life. I am lucky that I still have my family around me, my best friends are here and I did not lose my job. Things with my partner are still complicated. The addiction has caused severe damage to the relationship and it is difficult to predict if recovery is possible.

What made it so easy is the fact that I could hide it so easily. You can see an alcoholic or a drug addict, those addictions are difficult to hide. Gaming addiction however, I could have done it for years to come, my family and friends would not have noticed. Since I work in IT, it was simple to hide behind 'job' related activities. My family and closer friends are not 'computer people' so I could say pretty much whatever I want to make an excuse for gaming. "I need to take care of some work stuff, you would not understand anyway ;)" easy. 

If lying is made easy, you lie, all the time. "Checking work stuff" usually did it. When knowing my partner is about to reach home, go to bed and pretend you were taking a 3h rest, when you were actually playing the whole time. "I am too tired today" to my best friends who wanted to meet and go out. Biggest regret I have is not traveling with my partner and kid, I lied that  I could not get off from work. They went without me and I could sometimes play for weeks in a row, knowing I had no obligations and there is no-one to judge. 

Regret...Regret...Ressentiment...Guilt... Am I guilty? Should I blame myself?

                                            Wanna build a snowman? Was built for my Little treasure.

Was it really me?  Where did the urge to game and this form of escapism come from?

When I was young... To be continued...

Who is the person hatched

Suddenly you realize that you have not a single minute to waste in your life...

         I am about to turn 28 and recently found the beauty of  (real)life. Been playing computer games since kindergarten and always thought it is OK and it is really a part of who I am. Mistaken I was and now carrying a large burden of guilt and anguish.

The purpose for this blog is to get some heavy feelings and regrets out of me. It is my way to make peace with the past. They say writing is like a therapy, let's find out. The plan currently it so keep the blog active, I want to write about my experiences as an addicted computer gamer, how it defined me, what effect it had to my partner, family, friends and my to whole life. Research will also be brought to this blog, it is good to analyze it here out in the open. 

It is pretty much my first blog and I am writing it for myself - I am important. I accept all ideas, comments, criticism... you name it - bring it all! There is a lot to share and perhaps just anyone can find something for themselves. Comments will make me happy, please ask and share your own opinions and experiences. Maybe you are a gamer, your son/daughter, dad, your partner or friend is a gamer and you want to say something - this is the place. Perhaps you were addicted
gamer, share your thoughts and ideas how it was like. If you are a professional in this field, more than welcome.